Rumor has it, that CDs were created in the early 80s as a way for parents to shut down the portal to Hell their children had been opening by playing their records backward. The idea was a smaller, silver version of a record that would be completely enclosed in the player case so the kids couldn’t fit their grubby little fingers inside and force play it backward.

Unfortunately, musicians instead started making portal opening songs by chanting curse words repeatedly and explicitly talking about their sinister acts, so parents rallied together with the help of Jesus to create legislation that forced these musicians to declare which CDs would ruin their children’s innocents and lead them to the Devil. Many caring and morally just companies, like Walmart, banned these CDs so they couldn’t corrupt the youth.

This worked for awhile, but the Devil isn’t a quitter. Through hard work and determination, he was able to use his minions to create digital files and share them across a secondary new invention, “the interwebs,” which you might be more familiar with these days. It allows children to have access to this dangerous music and open the portal through an online device called “iTunes.” The Devil is really good at marketing because most parents would never suspect the portal to be named something so fun and clever.

Once the CD portals were rendered entirely useless – mere artifacts of a Satanic high point past – many forgot their original purpose and instead started using them as coasters, Christmas ornaments, and modern “art.”

But least ye never forget, those portals are still active. It is only a matter of time before Satan and his high school minions of decades past are able to restore the power flow to the portals and open them once again, sucking the earth into apocalyptic chaos.

Best of luck.